cityofnopity

Hello, time of darkness.
I never thought I would come in contact with you so young. Yet, here you stand before me with a grip so tight it could break the spirits I have to achieve greatness.
I would like you to leave me alone, and never set foot inside my soul again. For I am not welcoming, nor friendly to the idea of you running my life into the ground.
You are holding me back from making my life liveable, and under no circumstance will I be your slave.

I can achieve the things I want to, and I will do it without an ounce of remorse. I do not want you, I do not need you. Be gone, and haunt someone else.

Hello world. I know I haven't been on here in a while, and I've come to the conclusion that this means one thing. With the little time spent on here, will come the odd entry. Like this one right here.

Reading back on my old journals has made me want to post an update of me. I mentioned in some posts that I had a well over-due change to endure. Which, has come upon me. But not down to the last detail. I stated that I needed to rip down old posters, and get rid of the memories. I kind of laughed when I read that because those said posters do not reflect any memory upon me when I look at them. And besides, even if there were memories engraved in something to do with that poster, would it be such a crime?
I have reflected upon a lot this past little while, and I have made peace in areas that needed it. I admitted I was wrong, and that I was truly sorry for how I acted. Which I am.
I don't talk to those that make me angry, or disgruntled. Life, for the most part is unfolding as I wanted. I am content, and intrigued on what lies ahead of me.

Out.

I don't even know where to begin with this entry. Everything is stirring in my brain right now, as to what to put in here. Maybe I'll start with how my days are brighter, or how life is worth living? Hell, I'll start with it all.

My life right now, is how I wanted it to be for a while. I barely have time to get on here anymore, between seeing friends, working, and living. Clear as it can get, I have the day off today so I have time to reminisce on the last few weeks. My mom and I, haven't gotten at each others throats for a stone age, but I should knock on wood before it happens. Almost finished driver's ed too. It would take me a million years to write the rest in detail. So, I'm out to enjoy what today has ahead for me. Hopefully sleep can be fit in there somewhere.

 I was going to write a big entry, but I seem to have a brain fart. Life is magnificent. That is all. =)

Blood family.

Mom;
I know you'll never read this, but someday I might show you. We fight a lot, and it's not something I enjoy doing. You have given me a roof over my head for 9 years now, and even though I have some hard feelings towards you because of the past, when I was an infant, I do love you. With all my heart. I tell you I hate you, and I scream as loud as I can when you piss me off, sometimes I really do hate you. But, nothing can take away the fact that you are my mother, we are blood. I love you mom, and I hope things with us get better.

Dad;
I have gotten all my traits from you. My sense of humour, my weirdness, and my love. You have shown me the praise, and the approval that I need from both parents. I don't tell you things like I should, and I don't see you often since I moved away. But don't you ever think that I don't love you, or that I am ashamed of you. I would like to call you as much as I should, but our schedules are so fucked up, that we barely have time to stop and say hi. I do love you though Dad. Nothing will ever change.

Sabrina;
I love you! I don't know any other way to put it. We are not only siblings, but we are friends. We tell eachother our problems, and usually it never gets out. AHEM. You tell mom a little too much sometimes. We share the same hate for certain people, and wish bad things apon our two devil Aunties. We are so alike it's not even funny. We don't look related, but fuck do we act it. You bring me into your social scene with your friends, even though I'm two years younger and I love you for that. I love you in the most ways possible, despite the past.

Grandma T;
Ah where to start with you. You're as cute as a button, and you're slowly going down hill. It breaks my heart to see you suffering like you are, but you are always a strong woman. You have the sense of humour of an angel, and you're as sick minded as the rest. You can laugh at stupid things just like you were 15 again. I'm sorry for that time I made you cry back in the day, I don't think I have ever said sorry for that. Please hold on a bit longer. Your memories are always ones that brighten my day. I love you to the stars and back.

Grandma J;
I miss you. I can't stress that enough and I know mom and Sabrina would be saying the same thing if they read this. I miss your cooking, and your laugh. I miss you grinding your teeth, and the rank vinegar smell of your house. I don't miss watching you die, or the hospital in which you spent three days. I miss your voice, and how you called me cookie. I miss you with all my heart, and even though you're gone, my love for you remains strong. Rest in peace, angel. You didn't even live to see another Christmas. December, 16/2006.

Auntie Monica;
I don't even know what to say about you. At times, I love you and I wish you'd stick around, other times I want to knock your teeth out. You don't always need to have the "bitch" front. You used to be loving and caring, and since you got cancer and beat it, you've been a snob. It's okay to be proud and show off that you beat it, and by all means. Please do. Just don't think everything should revolve around you. Not everyone should be skinny and "beautiful" like you. And, don't say that shit either. And, please don't tell my mother that she doesn't know how to raise her kids. You have NO kids, so you shouldn't act like you know what's what. Plus leaving me in Vancouver when I went there for the first time shows me that you couldn't be a fit parent. I love you, in strange ways. And, I hate you in the most loving way.

Auntie Whitney;
Fuck you. I actually stand by what I said, when I said if I had to choose family, you wouldn't be one of them. You treat everyone around you like shit, and I won't stand for it anymore. I love the memories I have with you, don't get me wrong. But, I also hate how you treat your so called family.

Auntie Rusty;
You always ask how I'm doing, and when you're going to see me. Grandma T always tells me how you miss me, and want me to come visit. You may be her sister, and my great aunt, but you are no further up the family tree to me, than my father and mother. I love you, and I wish I could see you more. You're the funnest woman I know.

Auntie Lenora;
How I love thee. You are last I want to mention, but you certainly are not the least. I don't care that you're my grandma J's sister, making you my great aunt. You are one of my favorite ukrainian family members, and I hate to see you the way you are. Uncle Johnny took all the life and love out of an amazing woman. Your brain sugery took alot from you too. And I miss how you used to be. So carefree and loving. I love you Auntie, you are my rolemodel. 

"I don't know what I'm talking about .. I think ... I like ... my ... cheese."
AHAHAHAHAHA.
Fuck you Blake, fuck you. No more smoking weed.
Actually that's a lie. 

 

I kinda wish things could change overnight. I don't wish that things were different though. I just wish some things internally could leave overnight. ie; feelings. I still wear the ring on my ring finger, and I'm still as single as a post. It's a realy nice feeling not depending on someone else to make you happy. I mean, for right now .. it's what's suiting me best. To be alone, to learn to like myself before I can make other people happy.

"Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to stay in your life. People come and go faster than a blink of an eye. People will change for the worst right under your nose and there's shit all you can do about it. Stop trying to make everyone else happy. Make yourself happy first because you won't ever be able to hold a decent relationship if you can't. How do you expect to make someone else happy when you're not even happy with yourself?"

I've been sticking to that for the last little while, and no matter how much I want change to happen over night, I know it can't. I have to work hard and find out for myself what I don't like about myself, and what I do. I need to grow up, and mature. I think I just didn't want to listen to that. I'm 19 years old, and the last girl I kissed was 15. There's something that I need to change right there, I need to go for people my age so I can up my maturity level from 6 to 19. I need to stop thinking so negitavely, and think that everyone is out to get me. I also need to stop taking everything to heart. I'm not going to hold grudges, or hold back anything that needs to be said. I will not beat around the bush, and I will not lead people on. I will not say, "I love you" unless I mean I love you. I will not say it, after only a month of dating. I need to pull down old posters, filled with memories, and start new. I need to get her off my brain, and think about my future and doing something with it. I need to move out, and be a grown up. I don't need to spend my money on toys, and kid posters. I'm not the neverland ranch. I will not lip anyone who has given me a hard time, and if you choose to come to me and lip them because they are out of my life, don't waste your breath.
That means anyone who has something negative to say about Kimm. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear, "I told you so's". She's a good person. I also need to stop complaining about how much my life "sucks". Because it doesn't suck half as bad as someone else's. What do I have to complain about? I have a bad day, with little sleep and a hangover? Oh no. There's people in Vancouver who have spent their life savings on crack, living in Hastings. I could be doing the same. I also, need to lose weight and be more healthy. I need to say things, no matter who it hurts or pisses off. I'm always afraid to hurt someone, but leading them on then cutting them off as soon as real feelings come along is not the person I want to be anymore. I need to actually listen to other people once in a while, and not think I'm always right. I need to take advice, and be taken down a few notches every now and then. I used to be a really good kid, and I used to respect women, men, and my elders. It's time I change back into that kid, rid myself of drama, follow my dreams, and save for the future. I love everyone that has come into my life, good or bad. You all have taught me something wonderful, and something that will stick with me forever.

Change is the now. 

I remember when I used to sit and think about growing up, and finishing school, wishing to be eighteen and not go through another boring class. Always thinking that when you're eighteen, your life is just beginning. And, having days and days on end of just working, or partying and having a blast would be all that matters.
It's not that way at all. Turning eighteen brings nothing but responsibility, and an outline of how you're supposed to act. And, graduation was the scariest thing I have ever encountered in my life. From the time I was four to eighteen, I have had a place to go for 7-8 hours of the day. And, when you think about it, school teaches you things, internally that you could never learn alone. Your first best friend, your first kiss, your first crush. Your first run in with authority when you get sent to the principals office. Your first fist fight, your first heartbreak. Your first drug, your first drink. You learn to defend yourself, defend others. To laugh at yourself, and learn to be interested in peoples backgrounds. You learn hate, you learn talent.
In ways, some people gain a new family in the teachers. For me, I did. I'll never forget the people I met, and the teachers I have had. Some were more parents to me, than my own.
I miss going to school, in my younger years. Knowing that I'm going to see the same people for a few more years. My life has started thanks to everyone in my life. For all the years I've spent learning from everyone, and everything they have to offer.

These past years, have taught me so much. I have met people who will accept me, for me. I have rekindled friendships that I missed horribly. I have lost some people, who I'm better off without. And, some that I would do anything to just talk to them again. I have learned to love, no matter the problem. I have learned that sometimes when you break trust, it's gone forever. I have met people with problems, that shock the hell out of me. And, I have met a certain person that was family to me. I told my darkest secrets to, and in the end, we parted ways. If I could tell her one thing, it would be thank you. For the fights, the eye openers, the tears, the laughter, the two years.
Honestly, I'm scared to progress in life.
Truth be told, the friends I have now, I want to know forever. Everyone says, you'll lose contact after highschool. No, I won't. I can't do it without friends. I have some amazing ones behind me right now. Some, I haven't known for long, some I've known for a few years. And, some I have known, and hurt. Talk is minescule, but there's still the friendship based on "remember when". Most of my friends, aren't in my school. And, we still hold a bond, that I wouldn't trade for anything. From Aleda, Cassandra, Mandy, Chelsea, and Sarah to Joe, Jacquie, Kayla, and Krysta. Just to name a few.

I WILL be better when I'm older. And, when people ask me why I'm the way I am, I'll think back on highschool, and all my friends in my life right now. And talk about the amazing people I have in my life, that I had back then. I'm scared to grow up. Scared for my life. But, I know I'll be okay. I have a army of friends, that give me reason to be the best I can.
And to you, dear lady? I always knew you'd do something good with your life. Props college girl, props. 

Do you ever have those moments, where you create something so perfect in your mind to start over and when it's actually put out there, and put to work, it's not as well as you imagined it?
I'm having that moment right now. I have created a journal, because I was sick of bottling things up. And, not telling anyone why I'm upset. Trying to start clean, and learn how to cope with people wanting to help when I'm upset. Only to remember that I didn't start clean last time I tried this.
Who knows though, right? It might work this time.

It's funny, you know. I was chosen to write a speech to the parents at grad, to praise them. To praise my own. And to speak for the graduates of 2007. Thinking back on what was said, "we couldn't have done it without you, parents", is a hunk of shit. Kids these days, only certain ones, can conquer the world, without their parents even knowing they exist. Sometimes parents can't stand to give their kids the time of day to take them driving, to pick them up, to talk. You name it. It makes me sick really. Next of kin, should not be all someone is to their parents. And, that's exactly how I feel to mine. But, even without the support, and praise that I would have so loved to hear, from both my parents, look at where it's got me. I have a highschool diploma. I'm taking a year off school. I finally had the courage to quit my shitty job, to work at a better one which pays more. Without even double taking the fact that I might screw someone over in that buisness. I'm doing something with my life, and the only people I have to thank, are people I don't talk to, my friends, and my teachers. Quite possibly my sister, because she was the only one who told me I could do something with my life. I do however, have to thank my mom and dad for giving me a roof over my head. And food to eat. I have to go and contradict myself, because without that, I wouldn't have been able to do school.

What I've come to realize through all this, is that your parents aren't always going to be there for you. More likely than not, they're yelling at you for something you did. I do not regret anything I said to her. I meant what I said, and I'm glad it came out when it did. I do not like hearing that I'm worthless, mom. I don't expect praise, but it would be nice to hear it once and a while. And dad? Yeah, that goes for you too. I don't care if you make more money than me. I can afford anything I wanted to, if I wanted it bad enough. And, I don't need you calling me everytime me and mom fight, to yell at me and tell me what she did, only in a more calm tone. Next time I hang up on you, don't fucking threaten to come kick my ass. I hung up on you for being a dick.

But, whether it be past, present, or future, someone always has it worse than you. So my parents aren't close to me. I have a highschool diploma, that will open doors for me. I have food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and some jingle in my jeans. I have a nice warm bed at night, and I have a bunch of friends that I wouldn't hesitate to call family. Family doesn't have to be blood. It's in the hearts and souls.

And, on that note I wouldn't change a single thing.

Sadly, it had to come down to me making a new journal because people won't leave well enough alone. So, instead of starting over new, and clean this time .. I'm going to just copy and paste entries from that journal to this one, and add more.